Stephen Colbert’s gift for playing right-wing blowhards led to an excellent new creation last week: Tuck Buckford, an unhinged radio show host modeled closely after InfoWars’ Alex Jones. On Tuesday night, the Late Show host revived the new character, just in time for him to weigh in on Jones’ apparent, not-made-up war with Chobani Yogurt.
“I’m not gonna roll over for Big Yogurt—the Illumi-Chobani,” Buckford exclaimed. In a rant as scattered, raging, and nonsensical as some of Jones’ most infamous, Buckford tried at various points to change the subject, whether to his (supposedly) lengthy history with women or his unusual problem with dentists. Conspiracy theorist that he is, however, Buckford couldn’t help but return to the most fascinating and urgent of all topics: yogurt. “George Soros doesn’t want you to know the real value of yogurt, okay?” he explained to his audience. “It’s a natural, protein-rich, gamma ray shield to keep the Clinton Foundation from reading your dreams.” Just don’t buy Chobani, Activia, or anything fruit-flavored. (“Why is it at the bottom? What is it hiding?”)
At least it’s better to have conspiracy theorists targeting yogurt companies than the fabric of our democracy.