Pssst. Hey, you. Yeah, I’m talking to—no, don’t look over here, keep walking! Eyes forward. Trust me, it’s better you never see my face. We’ve been keeping track of your work for a very long time. Budapest? That was us. Hong Kong? Also us. Cape Town? Not us, but we saw how you handled it and appreciated it: brutal, but effective. But we’re not stupid enough to stick a gun in your back just to reminisce about old times. We have a mutual … friend, let’s say, who thinks it’s very important you watch … a certain piece of videotape. I said keep walking! This is not a trick or a distraction. It’s a new trailer for Atomic Blonde. Yes, the Charlize Theron movie from stuntman-turned-director David Leitch. You’ve been in this business long enough that you know not to ask why. Yes, we know you watched the first teaser. I told you, we’ve been following your career with great interest. But you’re in no position to negotiate.
Here’s what’s going to happen. In 25 yards there’s a café on the right. You’re going to stand at the bar and order a espresso, but you’re going to pronounce it expresso—no, that’s not optional, I don’t care if it sounds stupid. When the waitress brings it to you, you’ll put your iPhone on the bar next to your drink. When the busboy clears your dishes, he’ll swap the phone for one loaded up with the trailer for Atomic Blonde. Press play before you leave the café. Any deviation from these instructions, and you won’t see daylight. Enjoy your “expresso.” Pray we don’t meet again. Oh, and we’re sorry about what happened to Wilson in Barcelona. That was a mistake.