Something bizarre happened in Monday’s episode of The Bachelor. It’s never happened before. For the first time in season three history, the show was actually interesting for about 10 minutes in the middle there.
I was not expecting that to happen.
The main reason the show ended up becoming interesting is because the producers have accidentally cast a genuine, lovely, sensitive young man as the bachelor. It’s a recipe for disaster.
Zac, the bachelor, is a great guy. This is a huge problem for the producers as they keep trying to make him do ruthless things, but then he can’t.
* Alice Brine could teach Amy Schumer a thing or two about telling it how it is
* Alice Brine’s Bachelor blog: I’d rather watch basil go on a date with bellybutton fluff
* Alice Brine’s Bachelor: Mum’s the last word on the Bachelorettes
There’s a dramatic montage at the start of the episode where they ask Zac to do something mean but he just can’t. Zac and the girls end up crying in a circle of love and support. I assume this is not how the producers thought would happen. I’ll provide a bullet point list of the events further on.
It’s another day in Thailand, which is where I would rather be. I’m in wellington because my show opens tomorrow night and it is so cold here. I’m squatted in front of mum’s little heater and my thighs are burning, but it is too cold to move them so I just sit here watching Zac and Viarni walk around a lake in Thailand.
During the walk in Thailand, Viarni literally describes her date by saying: “Just being able to talk and just walk around just made us feel like really normal just walking around.” That is literally what she said. I did not make that up. That is a direct quote.
There is a scene right at the start where Bel says that she wants to be on that single date with Zac. This should be expected considering she blackmailed him last night.
Everyone needs their roots touched up. The regrowth coming through on the blondes is unbelievable. Especially my girl Claudia. This is rich coming from me though. Currently rocking a regrowth looking like someone dipped my head in an inkpot from the olden days.
Viarni and Zac are in a boat. I like that Viarni is rowing the boat, instead of Zac, because feminism.
Viarni keeps saying that she’s not a soppy lovey dovey kind of girl. She says she doesn’t pour her feelings out on day one. She and I are polar opposites in this respect. True story, I stopped on the side of the road to buy avocados in Tirau (the town that really prides themselves on their corrugated iron) yesterday.
Anyway, the guy selling avocados was really good looking. I just left my car running but we ended up getting along really well and within about half an hour we had both said “I Love You”. We’re also planning our corrugated iron themed wedding for April 2018. I’m pregnant.
Something happens with a raccoon and a sphinx and a cat. It looks cute or whatever, but the whole situation is just riddled with animal cruelty and also probably worms.
They awkwardly give each other massages. Zac’s gown is top ten on the list of worst things I have ever seen. I literally do not even have an analogy for how bad it is. It is also really hard to think right now because my mum is talking the whole time I am typing. She will not shut up about how much she hates Claudia’s hair.
I’m getting distracted trying to rip into this show, because of what is actually happening on this show. Okay, so here is what happens in a bullet point list:
* Last night this chick Bel realised that Zac wasn’t keen on her
* Zac was like “Yo Bel, you want a rose babe?
* Bel was like “Actually kind of nah?”
* Zac was like ” Oh weird. You you wanna talk about it?”
* Bel was like “Yup”
* Zac and Bel had a yarn and they both cried and then in the end she does take the rose. She was gunna leave but then after some drama she was like “Nah, I will stay”.
So Monday’s episode rolled around and there was a date with just Zac, Bel and this chick called Claudia, who is one of my faves but my mum doesn’t like her hair.
They all go in a boat together. It is super awkward. It just feels like Zac and Claudia are already a couple and Bel is some weird family friend your mum made you invite to your birthday.
Once the boat ride is over, Dom comes out of nowhere and is like “Oi Zac. You have to pick one chick to give a rose to and one chick to send home right now.”
Claudia and Bel just start sobbing.
Zac looked at Dom and was like “are you serious?” and walked off. Then he came back, was super lovely, went up to Bel and was like: “You are amazing. I am so sorry for wasting your time. You’re wonderful, I am not worthy.”
Me and mum sat there going, ” Yessss Zac, you’re a real man, we love you.”
He picks Claudia, they go on a date, there are cool puppets. Oh, Vanessa also went home in the end.