1491963421383 - Alice Brine’s Bachelor: Thai-tanic

Alice Brine’s Bachelor: Thai-tanic

OPINION: I’m doing a boxing fight for charity in May. My coach, Daniella Smith, has put me on a really strict diet. I’m sitting here eating a plate of steamed broccoli with boiled chicken and I’m willing to bet that this meal is still going to be more interesting than this episode of The Bachelor.  

But there is some exciting news! Everyone is going to Thailand. The ultimate tourist destination for basic New Zealanders who want to take photos of sunsets and use the hashtag #Wunderlust on their Instagrams. If you’re going to Thailand, then be sure to come back with a sea-shell friendship bracelet and a mandala tattoo on your right shoulder. This way, everyone will know that you’ve been ‘travelling’ and that you might also now have Hepatitis C. Boy oh boy, am I looking forward to watching this s….

There are some very poorly staged scenes where the bachelor and wives are supposedly being filmed mid-flight. This has clearly been filmed before the plane has left the runway. It’s so fake.

It reminds me of that bizarre animated footage that went viral when Tiger Woods split with his wife. Do you remember that? Someone actually went to the effort of making a fully animated re-enactment of Elin Nordegren throwing golf clubs at the back of Tiger’s car as he drove off. It was ridiculous. Regardless, that whole animation was more believable than this terribly staged scene.

READ MORE: * The Bachelor NZ: Jilted bachelorette Nina thinks Zac is like Neville Longbottom ​* The Bachelor recap: dodgy curries and the mysteries of Chiang Mai * Bachelorette Lucia wishes she could’ve left the party earlier

The sporty one goes on a date with Zac in Thailand. They get on one of those $3 quad bikes. I notice a major flaw in her strategy here. She’s not utilised this motorbike as a way to thirst trap her man at all. She’s essentially side straddling. She even uses the back handlebars to hold on! If it was me, I’d have my hands around his waist as tight as I could. I’d also be using the opportunity to blatantly flash my knickers while aggressively lunging into a full on thigh straddle. It would be carnage. Footage would need to be blurred in post-production.

I’ve gone ahead and created this comparative demonstration of how to correctly thirst trap someone while on a motorbike. That’s me on the right. As you can see I’ve positioned myself in a solid thigh straddle.  I’m also wearing a bintang singlet with denim cut off shorts.  On the left, Hannah has her hands on the back bars. This is a big no-no. She’s also squatting as if she’s in a unisex toilet at a music festival. More importantly, she’s not wearing a novelty holiday tank-top at all. This is not how you win a man, Hannah.

The producers have flown in three more women. The correct thing for Zac to do here is to realise that ” this is a trap” and send them all home immediately.

However, like a moth to a flame, he does the opposite. At this point, I assume that Molly and Lily realise Zac is a bit of a lad. I imagine they sneak off to a full moon party. They drink out of buckets and cover themselves in fluoro paint. I imagine that they meet three Australian surfer triplets, named Noah, Reef, and Myles. They have natural tans, nice white teeth, and excellent manners. Molly and Lilly wake up the next morning, hide their hangovers, and get back to pretending to give a s— about this show.

At the end of this episode, one of them goes home.

It’s Monday night, we’re still in Thailand. The opening shot is of everyone sitting around in the hot Thai sun. Them being forced to sit in that heat is about as close as they’ll ever get to knowing the feeling of being forced to sit and watch this show.

Zac and Rosie go on a date. There is enough internalised misogyny in this scene to cause full on lupus. It’s not Zac or Rosie’s fault. This is just what happens due to New Zealand being one of the most socially regressive countries on the planet. Rosie slips on a rock. As she slips, the music editors use the soundtrack from the scene where Luke Skywalker gets his arm cut off by Darth Vader’s lightsaber. This is so we know it’s dramatic.

It’s the group date now and so the women have to go and do a cooking. This is because women have ovaries and therefore kitchen, small brain, raise babies, Lifestyle magazine, cleaning products, Briscoes lady, lip-stick.

The only thing funny about the rest of this episode is that Zac and Dom have gnarly red eyes in every scene. I believe this is likely because they’ve been out the night before doing lines of ritalin off the side of an elephant. Either that or they just finished getting matching tattoos of the Southern Cross on the back of their left calf muscles.

Nina gets voted out of the house. She full on cries. You can tell that Zac really does not like hurting people. This is a good characteristic, but is also a bit of a massive problem when you’ve signed up to a 16-week long TV programme that is literally just all about you hurting people.

Alice’s top three: Claudia, Lilly, Molly.

Alice Brine is appearing in the Comedy Festival. You can buy tickets here.